12:30am - the weekend is over and tomorrow is the halloween day all the wee ones wait for so they can wear their costumes and trick or treat for candy.
We don't get any kids because of the remote area where we are but that's ok. I really don't mind. I do pick up a few boxes of the halloween candy that comes out a this time of year though. Love those little choc bars.
I have been listening to melancholy tunes from the fifties and I felt like my heat was going to break in pieces. I feel so sad when I think of love and intimacy and cuddling with a partner who really loves me. I am not sure just what kind of situation I have on my hands but I will be telling D tomorrow that we are seeing a relationship counsellor on Sunday next. He already agreed that he would do so and I really hope he means to at least try to understand what I would like this relationship to look like.
I am at a point where I am ready to strike out on my own again if things don't change. I have to step up my work a bit and start to develop my business, especially if I am going to be alone. The challenge is that the remoteness of my business is not supportive of building a regular client base and I really need to relocate to a larger center. I just know that I can build a good business in a larger center especially when the city I am thinking of is one where I already have a lot of clients.
Today I realized that the relationship with B and the effort I have put into trying to help him is futile - especially now. I sent a very tasteful email letting him know that I would be occupied with other projects a lot now and wouldn't be in touch as much as before. He wrote back that he was fine with that - all is good. It was wonderful to feel that I had done what I could for him, and could now step down and let him fend for himself. I had no idea he had drained me so much until I got another email from him tonight asking for more help.
He requests and needs far surpass what I can do for him, and he will ask until the day I die so I have to accept that he is who he is and not get hooked in again like I did over the past few months.
J has a 17th birthday coming up. Not sure what she will want to do but there is another situation where I have to let her and her dad and stepmom take charge and make the decisions. I fear she will come to me and ask to have a party here with her local friends, although maybe not. I already told her any underage drinking could not happen and she was a bit distressed because apparently that is what the parties are about now. Oh well, another release and letting go for me.
I have to step up what I do for myself energetically, and I will. This blog os a part of that process. I like writing where it really isn't clear who I am and who I am referring to.
Anyway, another week ahead, each day another chance to find the next joyful step and be joyful in the taking of it.
until next time.... Cybersource77
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Oct 28, 2011 She Looked At Me Strangely....
I met with a friend for coffee today and we sat in the cozy little coffee nook at Starbucks. As we chatted I felt odd and couldn't figure it out until I looked to my immediate right and there was a couple who had just sat down. He looked friendly enough but she was glaring at me and my friend and I was taken aback. When she noticed me looking her way, she moved her attention back to the gentleman at her table. When we were leaving, she averted her eyes and her head as if she was afraid she would catch something when we walked past her table. When we got outside I asked my friend if she knew the lady at the table next to us and she responded with, "no, but she looked positively mean." She noticed the glaring looks too.
What possesses someone to do that? What did two women do that would cause another woman to scowl and glare like she did. Her unusual name was also on her coffee cup, I know I haven't met her before. The gentleman at the table seemed to be trying to engage her in conversation. What a shame. She had a great companion, a wonderful cup of coffee and she focused negatively on people who don't care, ignoring the one person who did care - the gentleman. What a shame. No, I don't feel sorry for her. I just am glad it was her in that body then and not me.
until next time.... Cybersource77
What possesses someone to do that? What did two women do that would cause another woman to scowl and glare like she did. Her unusual name was also on her coffee cup, I know I haven't met her before. The gentleman at the table seemed to be trying to engage her in conversation. What a shame. She had a great companion, a wonderful cup of coffee and she focused negatively on people who don't care, ignoring the one person who did care - the gentleman. What a shame. No, I don't feel sorry for her. I just am glad it was her in that body then and not me.
until next time.... Cybersource77
Thursday, October 27, 2011
evening Oct 27, 2011
I keep wondering why I don't fee guilty at all for not being all wrapped up in business and stressed about making a living like I have been most of my life.
Something is different now. Since all the stress and changes of the spring and summer with family; I seem to be different. I am calmer yet my patience level with silliness is nil. I am dreaming more, hungry all the time, completely enjoying my life to the max. Even when i am folding laundry - I like it. I don't miss what I don't have but I know I can have whatever I want, whenever I want it. Right now, I have what I need and I am happy.
Okay, I say that today. Seriously though, I am so glad to be cut loose from all the responsibility I took on regarding family - especially when most of them are fully capable adults anyway. I am really glad to know that I have done what i can and the rest is up to them.
Now, I wonder what excitement the night holds as I dream clearly each night. Airplanes, strange houses and a lot of blue sky and white fluffy clouds. I wonder what the day will bring tomorrow but I don't worry about it. I love whatever it is - I will accept it. What fun I feel in my soul tonight!
until next time ... Cybersource77
Something is different now. Since all the stress and changes of the spring and summer with family; I seem to be different. I am calmer yet my patience level with silliness is nil. I am dreaming more, hungry all the time, completely enjoying my life to the max. Even when i am folding laundry - I like it. I don't miss what I don't have but I know I can have whatever I want, whenever I want it. Right now, I have what I need and I am happy.
Okay, I say that today. Seriously though, I am so glad to be cut loose from all the responsibility I took on regarding family - especially when most of them are fully capable adults anyway. I am really glad to know that I have done what i can and the rest is up to them.
Now, I wonder what excitement the night holds as I dream clearly each night. Airplanes, strange houses and a lot of blue sky and white fluffy clouds. I wonder what the day will bring tomorrow but I don't worry about it. I love whatever it is - I will accept it. What fun I feel in my soul tonight!
until next time ... Cybersource77
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
the Strangest Dream...
11:30 pm Wednesday October 26, 2011
I forgot earlier to mention the strange dream I had last night. I dreamed I was trying to get to the airport to catch my flight to go somewhere. I was traveling with a group of people who were spread all over the place in this particular city but I seemed unable to find any of them for a time. I went into and out of buildings, and finally I found a young lady traveling with her mother and I knew they would know the way to the airport to catch the plane as they had to catch the same one.
I was relieved until it was clear that they were not going to hurry and the older lady was doing something that I knew for sure would make us late. I asked, pleaded, begged the younger one to tell me how to get to the airport but she just kept saying she would show me as soon as her mother was ready to go. I knew we would be late and miss the flight.
So I left and tried again to find the airport. All of this is on foot and at many doors I found there were security guards who told me I could not go through their doors. Finally someone guided me to a blue tunnel and said if I went through it that the airport was at the other end.
The tunnel scared me as it seemed to also be a place where many homeless people stayed and some were moving about while others were sleeping. It was a sad place that shone light blue and I hurried through it. At the other end I emerged on the tarmac at the airport and in front of me was my flight. I knew it was my flight because across the body of the very large commercial jet was the word Monarch. I got the feel that it was either a German flight or a German made plane.
That was it - relief that I had found it and the next thing, I was awake with the lingering feelings of anxiety I had experienced in the dream. Also, my eyes were slightly swollen when I awoke.
Okay, that is all there is about that dream.
until next time.... Cybersource77
I forgot earlier to mention the strange dream I had last night. I dreamed I was trying to get to the airport to catch my flight to go somewhere. I was traveling with a group of people who were spread all over the place in this particular city but I seemed unable to find any of them for a time. I went into and out of buildings, and finally I found a young lady traveling with her mother and I knew they would know the way to the airport to catch the plane as they had to catch the same one.
I was relieved until it was clear that they were not going to hurry and the older lady was doing something that I knew for sure would make us late. I asked, pleaded, begged the younger one to tell me how to get to the airport but she just kept saying she would show me as soon as her mother was ready to go. I knew we would be late and miss the flight.
So I left and tried again to find the airport. All of this is on foot and at many doors I found there were security guards who told me I could not go through their doors. Finally someone guided me to a blue tunnel and said if I went through it that the airport was at the other end.
The tunnel scared me as it seemed to also be a place where many homeless people stayed and some were moving about while others were sleeping. It was a sad place that shone light blue and I hurried through it. At the other end I emerged on the tarmac at the airport and in front of me was my flight. I knew it was my flight because across the body of the very large commercial jet was the word Monarch. I got the feel that it was either a German flight or a German made plane.
That was it - relief that I had found it and the next thing, I was awake with the lingering feelings of anxiety I had experienced in the dream. Also, my eyes were slightly swollen when I awoke.
Okay, that is all there is about that dream.
until next time.... Cybersource77
First Entry October 24, 2011 It's a Mad Mad World....
I am so tired of the complaining and the shtick that I have been dealing with for most of this year ( my own fault I will add) and I am kicking all the complainents to the curb. Bye bye suckas, have a nice life. I am sick of drunks, druggies, and whiners and drama queens (and kings) and control freaks and plain old bitchy people. Fed up with delusional idiots, egomaniacs, and self centered narcissists.
Again, I will add here this is all my own fault which today makes me happy because that means I can do something about it and now, I am. Since I tend to want to help everyone - dummy me, I get buried under the crap. I have done it for years, it has happened for years, I have let it go for years, but this year really takes the cake and finally - - - finally I have seen the light and decided to head for joy... no passing go, no collecting $200 just straight there. I am going to create the life of my dreams. I am going to do it right here and right now and I am going to write about it, every step it takes me on so you can watch, listen and probably laugh your head off as I slip and slide along. I don't care thought what you think, so enjoy the ride if you choose to come along.
I will make it to joy - it is my right and I will make it. Yes, today is the first day. And man, I am really cranky.
Geez, just saying that makes me feel better. whew!! I will come back tomorrow .... yes I will.
until next time.....
Again, I will add here this is all my own fault which today makes me happy because that means I can do something about it and now, I am. Since I tend to want to help everyone - dummy me, I get buried under the crap. I have done it for years, it has happened for years, I have let it go for years, but this year really takes the cake and finally - - - finally I have seen the light and decided to head for joy... no passing go, no collecting $200 just straight there. I am going to create the life of my dreams. I am going to do it right here and right now and I am going to write about it, every step it takes me on so you can watch, listen and probably laugh your head off as I slip and slide along. I don't care thought what you think, so enjoy the ride if you choose to come along.
I will make it to joy - it is my right and I will make it. Yes, today is the first day. And man, I am really cranky.
Geez, just saying that makes me feel better. whew!! I will come back tomorrow .... yes I will.
until next time.....
Sooo...Oct 26, Bad Dreams and Swollen Eyes...
I still have not grabbed my morning coffee yet but I have checked my email. I think I might be doing things just a bit backwards. I tend to put myself at the mercy of all those people out there who send me email. They want to sell me, enroll me, convince me ... about something, and my sensitive self picks up the confusion that swirls around all that stuff. Then I wonder why my day seems to constantly need balancing.
So going to get my coffee right now.
Alright, a nice cup of Breakfast Blend brewed with the Keurig machine that I won last year. I do have some luck at times and my life isn't as totally stressed as I tend to represent it to be.
No one likes making mistakes in judgement though, and that is just what I have been doing for the last year. Trusting and believing in the wrong people while the right people get ignored. I am really angry that I couldn't see through B's sham of a life and the games and lies he was playing. What a fool am I. On the other hand though, I cannot account or answer for his intentions in this process - I can only account for mine, and I really had the dream that I could help him and make a difference. I can't. He is delusional, and a master manipulator with an enormous ego that is large and in charge. He fooled me, I feel like a fool. He did all the things he has been doing in his 54 years on earth and he must be laughing so hard now because I actually believed in him and he knew it. Little did he know there was another sucker living so close by.
Today, I am going to meditate. I listened to an animal communicator online yesterday and when I focused on the meditation she shared, I realized I needed to do that as it calmed me down and helped me feel balanced. So, meditation is now going to be added to the daily schedule. After all, I am on the journey for joy and I think being peaceful is a good start. It is going to be a good day!
Later....
So going to get my coffee right now.
Alright, a nice cup of Breakfast Blend brewed with the Keurig machine that I won last year. I do have some luck at times and my life isn't as totally stressed as I tend to represent it to be.
No one likes making mistakes in judgement though, and that is just what I have been doing for the last year. Trusting and believing in the wrong people while the right people get ignored. I am really angry that I couldn't see through B's sham of a life and the games and lies he was playing. What a fool am I. On the other hand though, I cannot account or answer for his intentions in this process - I can only account for mine, and I really had the dream that I could help him and make a difference. I can't. He is delusional, and a master manipulator with an enormous ego that is large and in charge. He fooled me, I feel like a fool. He did all the things he has been doing in his 54 years on earth and he must be laughing so hard now because I actually believed in him and he knew it. Little did he know there was another sucker living so close by.
Today, I am going to meditate. I listened to an animal communicator online yesterday and when I focused on the meditation she shared, I realized I needed to do that as it calmed me down and helped me feel balanced. So, meditation is now going to be added to the daily schedule. After all, I am on the journey for joy and I think being peaceful is a good start. It is going to be a good day!
Later....
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
October 25, Tuesday and the Sun is Shining..
Well, this morning I actually took the time to lay in bed for a bit after awakening and listen to the day unfold around me. I can't hear much in the house as my room is upstairs and the door was closed but every once in a while a bird would chirp or the water would gush through the pipes when a tap was turned on. The room was dark when I opened my eyes, but didn't take too long to get lighter as the sun rose behind my closed curtains. I decided I was going to have a good day - no matter what!
I made a coffee, greeted my husband D who was already stressed to the max because his cat wouldn't stay in the yard and he had to go and get him a couple of times from the neighbors. Not sure why it was an issue for him though as we live on an acreage and the cat is outside all the time. Who knows where he wanders during the day. Anyway, after he vehemently denied being stressed, I realized here we go again. Another delusional character in the play of life wanting to deny that there is anything amiss in his world that he cannot handle. I immediately dismissed him from my thoughts with the comment, "Of course you are fine, what was I thinking?" and headed to my office coffee in hand to check email and Face Book. His mumbled words of something followed me up the stairs - no idea what the words were.
He did make his way eventually upstairs to shower and seemed a bit more settled so I again went downstairs to make his breakfast of toast, peanut butter, orange and milk. Amicable chatter about the particular channel he was watching on TV as he had breakfast, my mind distracted by our little female house cat chasing her paper ball and then carrying it in her mouth across the room. So far, she is the most interesting character of the day!
D is off to work, I am doing up the books for the bookkeeper so the GST can be calculated and we can pay the Gov their share at the end of the month.
I have Celine Dion playing on the stereo and my stereo skips every once in a while annoying the crap out of me. It never did play properly since I got it as a birthday gift a few years ago from D.
Maybe patience will become my gift soon. Oh, and I checked to see if B received the laptop I sent him so he could stay in touch with the world as his seemed to be crapping out on him - tracking at the PO website says he picked it up or it was delivered at 16:00 hours yesterday. Maybe he and his highly dysfunctional ex-wife will nicely disappear into the mists of time with their stories of angst and gunny sacks full of lies and daggers. Today, I really don't care. At least right now, today I am going to have a good day!
until next time...
I made a coffee, greeted my husband D who was already stressed to the max because his cat wouldn't stay in the yard and he had to go and get him a couple of times from the neighbors. Not sure why it was an issue for him though as we live on an acreage and the cat is outside all the time. Who knows where he wanders during the day. Anyway, after he vehemently denied being stressed, I realized here we go again. Another delusional character in the play of life wanting to deny that there is anything amiss in his world that he cannot handle. I immediately dismissed him from my thoughts with the comment, "Of course you are fine, what was I thinking?" and headed to my office coffee in hand to check email and Face Book. His mumbled words of something followed me up the stairs - no idea what the words were.
He did make his way eventually upstairs to shower and seemed a bit more settled so I again went downstairs to make his breakfast of toast, peanut butter, orange and milk. Amicable chatter about the particular channel he was watching on TV as he had breakfast, my mind distracted by our little female house cat chasing her paper ball and then carrying it in her mouth across the room. So far, she is the most interesting character of the day!
D is off to work, I am doing up the books for the bookkeeper so the GST can be calculated and we can pay the Gov their share at the end of the month.
I have Celine Dion playing on the stereo and my stereo skips every once in a while annoying the crap out of me. It never did play properly since I got it as a birthday gift a few years ago from D.
Maybe patience will become my gift soon. Oh, and I checked to see if B received the laptop I sent him so he could stay in touch with the world as his seemed to be crapping out on him - tracking at the PO website says he picked it up or it was delivered at 16:00 hours yesterday. Maybe he and his highly dysfunctional ex-wife will nicely disappear into the mists of time with their stories of angst and gunny sacks full of lies and daggers. Today, I really don't care. At least right now, today I am going to have a good day!
until next time...
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